Monday, September 15, 2014

Junk Love: How to Marry a Chair...Er...Millionaire

It might trigger an eye roll, or a heated debate whenever I say that How to Marry a Millionaire is one of the best romantic comedies ever made, but I stand firm. I. Love. That. Movie. (Also, just prepare yourself--if you ever say to me, "Oh, that Marilyn Monroe movie?", I will scowl at you. I love Marilyn, but this movie is all about Lauren Bacall.) This movie is also one of the many reasons why I will never get married. [You fall in love with a guy who adores you. You don't care about the things he can give you. But if you've ever seen this movie, a part of your brain will always be thinking: Any minute now, he's gonna pay for my cheeseburger with a huge roll of cash. Surprise! He was secretly a millionaire the whole time! I just can't put that kind of pressure on a guy....]

So, how does one marry a millionaire? Well, first you need friends of a similar mindset:

And of this group of goal-oriented females, one should be smart and sarcastic, one should be perky and funny, and one should be adorably clueless.

It also helps if you are models....

Your apartment must be spacious, modern, and of course, in New York City. The view must be spectacular!

You will need a groovy telephone for all of those late night conversations with your beau, which you will always end with "I never want to see you again!," just to keep him on his toes. Also, you simply must invest in fabulous lamp shades that will cast the perfect moody glow on your face, even though he can't see you.

You need a hangout spot--a club or burger joint where you can remind the world how down-to-earth you secretly are:

And, of course, you need a millionaire:

Put all of these things together, and...wait--is that a chair?
Still available! Check out the armchair version: Here
Why, yes. Yes it is. In fact, it is a very important chair. That chair will be with you through thick and thin, all the way to the bitter end. Even when you have plummeted to the depths of financial despair, when you have sold your worldly possessions, when the outlook is grim and there's not a dollar in sight, you will hang on to this chair for dear life. And why not? It. Is. FABULOUS!
After all, love is fleeting, but well-made furniture is forever. As they say, chairs are a girl's best friend. (Of course, I wouldn't turn down a cheeseburger and a cute millionaire, too.)